Japan Sees the Light…

…and it burns! Japanese officials have finally admitted that I exist! Now I’m not sure what they mean when they say that they have “not planned what to do should aliens arrive here.” A dutiful disciple would not doom themselves by doubting in this way. They should know exactly what to do when I arrive! I did not go through the effort of creating this bulletin board so that people could deny its existence! Now, most of the sightings have been dismissed as “birds or other objects.” First of all, the “other objects” part looks mighty suspicious, no? For all you know, the “other objects” could include an egomaniacal Martian deity! Also, your Charlemagne said (or didn’t say according to certain deniers) “Let my armies be the rocks and the trees and the birds in the sky.” Next time you worship your false idols and see a bird, be very very careful! It might do more than just shit on your face!

My Bathing Habits

So I’ve been observing Earthling behavioral patterns as always and I noticed something. Americans and possibly others who aren’t affluently challenged bathe everyday. I then compared that with my own habits and then smelled my own armpits. They smelled like Lake Ontario and I nearly fainted. So from then on, I decided to take a hot bath everyday. But I then noticed that Americans and others are very slowly switching over to energy sources such as ethanol, solar, wind, etc. This is contrary to my plans to take a hot bath in the Pacific Ocean. Earthlings are allowed to continue using ethanol as that does not interfere with my plans. However, solar and wind energy are totally out of the question. Nuclear energy is allowed since there’s the one in a million chance of it warming up the globe by several degrees. Please comply or I will expose my armpits to you Earthlings.

The Forehead Decree

So I was walking through the streets of an undisclosed location disguised as a normal Earthling (meaning I dressed up as Britney Spears) when I noticed someone with a bruised forehead. So I politely asked this young lady what happened to her forehead and whether her husband/boyfriend was abusing her. She gave me this weird look and ran away. So then I saw more people with this forehead bruise. I then saw a few other people with even clearer and darker marks on their foreheads. I suddenly realized that this was the cross. So I asked them why they have these marks on their foreheads. They told me it was “Ash Wednesday”. I then realized without having to ask that these people were branding the cross onto their foreheads! This is when I came up with a new idea. Ash Wednesday shouldn’t just be one day. It should be 365 days of the year. So this is the decree of Zoroaster: brand your forehead on a daily basis and this should kill a few brain cells and essentially lobotomize you, preparing you for the ultimate conversion to the faith of John Frum.

A Notice Frum John

Here I come in yet another alter-ego, that of John Frum. For those ignorant folk who aren’t from Vanatu, America is the new Holy Land! It is where I impregnated an unsuspecting virgin named Betty Sue Frum for her to give birth to the human body of John Frum with a soft divine center. Now some of you may say that based on her name, she’s a dirty hick and that she’s lying about her virginity, but that’s just denying my existence. Anyway, I showed my divinity to those of Vanatu and then went away just to test their faith. Well, this post is to announce the return of the almighty John Frum. I return with much silver, gold, M16s, and Thai prostitutes! Some naysayers included a certain unpatriotic Christian who never converted to Scientology and said, “Those people are holding onto a dream that will never come true.” Well, the dream of my followers has indeed come true and so has the dream of, as you may recall, the Christians who then stupidly brushed aside the true messiah of L. Ron Hubbard. But that is in the past. Speaking of which, all Scientologists must now abandon their faith and follow John Frum! You would not want to be caught worshipping outdated messiahs. Worshipping me in the wrong way is sacrilegious and will result in fire AND brimstone! What do you prefer: Thai prostitutes or brimstone? Also, what do you prefer: M16s or fire? And if you make it to the Kingdom of Heaven, you will have 99 Thai prostitutes waiting for you! On the other hand, if too many people are non-compliant, I can cause Mount Yasur to smother the skies of the entire world with the ashes of the disobedient! So in summary, the order is to worship America and me, John Frum. Nuclear silos, rodeos, Texas, and Britney Spears will all become objects of worship. And you must spread the glory of America to all parts of the world and yes that includes France!

Whaling Decree

It has come to my attention that the UK has been supporting, within the context of the International Whaling Commission (IWC), the noble cause of non-whaling. The IWC has mentioned whales as being “sensitive and social creatures”. And the UK’s own David Attenborough even said, “There is no humane way to kill a whale at sea.” There may be no humane way of killing a whale but there is certainly a human way of killing a whale which likely involves harpoons and such, and therein lies the problem! Humans are killing whales and since there is no humane way of killing whales, you should stop killing whales! Instead, you should start killing cows, lambs, and chickens and sacrifice 50% to me! Seriously folks, I’m a starving god! Since there is no humane way of killing whales and no complaint has been raised by the IWC towards the killing of other animals, that must logically infer that the killing of those other animals is indeed humane! It is both humane AND human, and therefore, it makes me very happy! In fact, humans make me very happy. In fact, human sacrifices make me very happy…

May You All Have Coal!

It has been brought to my attention that The Walt Disney Company has kidnapped my main man St. Nicholas, Bishop of Myra. No, I’m not talking about James Worley. I’ll deal with him later (he does still deserve punishment for what he has done after all…the charge: impersonation of a divine spy). The big kicker is where it says “Santa was considered a Disney character”. WHAT??!! Are you telling me that MY Santa, the Father Christmas, is now a slave to Disney??? I know that my long absence from this communication device may have caused a few, including Disney, to relax, but this will not stand! How else will I know when you’re asleep and know when you’re awake? How else will I fulfill my Catholic altar-boy fantasies with those who are awake? Who else will feed Christmas songs into the Jazz Permutation Machine™ to saturate them with even more vocal glissandos for the 666 millionth jazz rendition thereof? And finally, who else will pour coal down the chimneys of the toy factories? If Disney wants a fight, I can send Mrs. Claus down with nothing on other than her red bikini with the words “Merry Christmas, Naughty Boy” written on the thong portion! It will be so painful to watch that Mickey Mouse will be blinded, Minnie Mouse will melt to the ground, and Walt Disney himself will defrost and roll around in his cryogenic grave! So the demand to The Walt Disney Company is, release ol’ Saint Nick and renounce all rights to him and be good for goodness sake, or you will face the wrath of Mrs. Claus in her undesirably quasi-sexy glory!

War on Airport Security (and Infidels)

As demands stipulated in the previous post have not been met, I now declare War on Airport Security (and Infidels) to counter your “War on Terror” and also on Aquafina Flavorsplash for failing my protege Osama Bin Laden. This post also announces the death of Osama Bin Laden due to the carelessness of Aquafina and of airport security throughout the airports of the world. As some of the more observant of your bunch have possibly noticed, I included infidels in my war. Some of you observant folk may wonder what criteria are necessary to be an infidel, or more specifically, whether they themselves are infidels. My answer is that those who use technology are all infidels. And since those reading this post are using technology, it is therefore possible to conclude that all who read this are infidels! Technology…for shame… I have therefore prepared a virus that will infect all computers so that they will play the North Korean music that I had confiscated earlier nonstop and so that one will not be able to turn their computers off, even in the absense of electrical power. I’m Allah. I cause miracles, bitch! Speaking of bitch, all airport security personnel and your lovely President Bush will go to a place where they won’t be getting their 99 virgins. And then, I will descend in the form of the deceased Osama Bin Laden and cause the World Trade Center Twin Towers to rebuild themselves in their former glory right before your eyes and do what New York City has failed to accomplish so far. Then I will cause all airplanes to head directly for the rebuilt Twin Towers, just to spite you all. Sometimes, I love omnipotence…

I, Allah, Return

I announce a temporary hiatus of L. Ron Hubbard and instead, I will use my other alterego Allah. Now some of you will probably say, “But you said you were Muhammad, not Allah. There is no god but Allah and Muhammad is his prophet, bitch!” Well maybe I forgot to mention Allah, “bitch”! Anyway, I’ve lately noticed a trend in certain airports to ban certain liquids and cosmetic products in order to “fight terrorists”. Among those, I’ve seen sunscreen banned. Well, that’s no loss: the people under Allah wear humble clothes that expose very little skin to be burned. Especially the muslimahs (muslim women for you Scientologists). But I’ve seen other things like lotions and bottled beverages banned in those airports. I demand that the bans be lifted immediately! My terrorists cannot do without their extensive make-up and their bottles of Aquafina FlavorSplash! If demands are not fulfilled, there is no telling what will happen… The power of Allah is greater than that of airport security!

War Begins…

…with a ‘w’! But war also begins against North Korea! For those of you who have not kept up with events, on July 4th, 2006 of Earth-reckoning, North Korea launched a Taepodong 2 missile along with several scuds in an attack against the Kingdom of Heaven where the deceased Scientologists reside. Many lives were lost. For the first few days, I waited to see how various governments would react to this abomination. However, it became clear that the governments of the surrounding nations and of the United States have fallen for the North Korean rhetoric of “missile tests”. These were not “missile tests”! These were a clear violation of the sovereignty of the Kingdom of Heaven! Pretty soon, they will give in to the rhetoric that the lives lost in the Kingdom of Heaven were collateral damage. I tried sending hints to the government officials of the United States, Japan, South Korea, China, and Russia, but they merely complained about having “weird dreams” and then had the audacity to move on! I then began to discuss this serious matter with my Martian brethren and we came to the conclusion that we cannot stay idle. We have decided to start off with a propaganda campaign. Tonight, we will replace all images in North Korea of the “Great Leader” and his whippersnapper “Dear Leader” with several portraits of myself: Zoroaster the Originator, Abraham the Wannabe, Christ the Crucifiable, Mohammed the Uniconized, and most importantly: L. Ron Hubbard the Untitled. Then we will launch all out war against them by playing loud American rock music a la Soundgarden, the purpose of which is three-fold: to destroy the rickety buildings, scare the North Korean populace into submission, and to cause the failure of the “Dear Leader’s” pacemaker! When I finally conquer North Korea, I will then confiscate the music of North Korea to scare the American populace for my next campaign… A flawless plan if I ever saw one!

ATTENTION ALL AZTECS!

Please stop sacrificing your blood to Huitzilopochtli! He, the Sun, is the nemesis and oppressor of the Martian race and other alien species of other planets! By sacrificing to him, you are making him more powerful and more oppressive and thereby undermining the Martian Renegade Movement! We must work together in order for the darkness to win against him! Otherwise, my death is inevitable, and my death will destroy all of my guises: Abraham, Moses, Jesus Christ, Muhammad, but most importantly L. Ron Hubbard! What will you do in the face of Xenu without Dianetics??!! Huitzilopochtli does not know what is good for him so we must deprive him of his sustenance in order to prevent Xenu's subjugation of this small corner of the galaxy! We must fight together!!